Family Headship

“But I want you to understand that the head of every man is [the] Anointed [One], and the head of the woman is man, and the head of [the] Anointed is God”.
1 Corinthians 11:3

Introduction

In scripture, when it comes to family units, husbands are given the authority of “headship”. In turn, wives are commanded to “honour and submit” to them, likewise, children are to submit to their parents:

• “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as [the] Anointed [One] is the head of the Congregation, His body, of which He is the Savior”. – Ephesians 5:22-23
• “Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your husbands, so that even if they refuse to believe the word, they will be won over without words by the behavior of their wives when they see your pure and reverent demeanor”. – 1 Peter 3:1-2
• “…young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, managers of their households, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be discredited”. – Titus 2:4-5
• “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother‘ (which is the first commandment with a promise), ‘that it may go well with you and that you may have a long life on the earth'”. – Ephesians 6:1-3

Through these scriptures, we appear to see a “hierarchy” of family arrangement.

However, some believe through these scriptures, that husbands thus have the authority to control their family’s lives, ordering them what to do, what to think and what to feel. Abusing their authority to dominate their wives and abuse their children, and there have been many families who have suffered abuse and unjust treatment through this kind of interpretation…

But is this what scripture is actually teaching?

A Closer Examination

If we examine scripture further, we immediately see that this is not the case, nor context of these verses, for we are told husbands should treat their families lovingly, and that if they do not, their prayers will not be heard by God:

• “Husbands, in the same way, treat your wives with consideration as a delicate vessel, and with honor as fellow heirs of the gracious gift of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered“. – 1 Peter 3:7
• “Husbands, love your wives, just as [the] Anointed loved the Congregation and gave Himself up for her… husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies“. – Ephesians 5:25, 28
• “Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath; instead, bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord”. – Ephesians 6:4

Note, that the scriptures tell us, that a husband should be loving of his family. Not abusive, or dictatorial.

Of course, this opens up a question;

If headship is not dominance or controlling our family members against their will (for that would be clear violation of the command for husbands to love and honour their family members as their own bodies), then what ‘is it’? In what way do husbands act as “heads”, and in what way to wives “submit” to them?

Further examination of these verses in their full context reveals the true meaning:

• “My loved ones, I want to encourage you [Jews] who are [living as] foreigners and exiles not to indulge in the things that your bodies might crave and which fight a battle against the person who you are on the inside. Yes, while you’re [living] among the other races, behave yourselves, so that when they condemn you and say bad things about you, they can see the good things that you’re doing and then glorify God in the Day that He arrives for His inspection. Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every human institution, whether to the king as the supreme authority, or to governors as those sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to praise those who do right. For it is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorance of foolish men… Servants, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and gentle, but even to those who are unreasonable. For if anyone endures the pain of unjust suffering because he is conscious of God, this is to be commended. How is it to your credit if you are beaten for doing wrong and you endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. For to this you were called, because [the] Anointed also suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in His footsteps… Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your husbands so that those who aren’t obeying the Word can be won over without words through your fine conduct… from the inner disposition of your heart, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in God’s sight. For this is how the holy women of the past adorned themselves. They put their hope in God and were submissive to their husbands, just as Sarah obeyed Abraham and called him lord. And you are her children if you do what is right and refuse to give way to fear. Husbands, in the same way, treat your wives with consideration as a delicate vessel, and with honor as fellow heirs of the gracious gift of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered… Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”. – 1 Peter 2:11-15, 18-21, 3:1-7, 9
• “But as for you, speak the things that are consistent with sound doctrine. Older men are to be temperate, dignified, self-controlled, and sound in faith, love, and perseverance. Older women, likewise, are to be reverent in their behavior, not slanderers or addicted to much wine, but teachers of good. In this way they can train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, managers of their households, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be discredited. In the same way, urge the younger men to be self-controlled. In everything, show yourself to be an example by doing good works. In your teaching show integrity, dignity, and wholesome speech that is above reproach, so that anyone who opposes us will be ashamed to have nothing bad to say about us. Slaves are to submit to their own masters in everything, to be well-pleasing, not argumentative, not stealing from them, but showing all good faith, so that in every respect they will adorn the teaching about God our Savior“. – Titus 2:1-10
• “Submit to one another out of reverence for [the] Anointed… Indeed, no one ever hated his own body, but he nourishes and cherishes it, just as [the] Anointed does the Congregation. For we are members of His body”. – Ephesians 5:21,29-30
• “In the Lord, however, woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. For just as woman came from man, so also man is born of woman. But everything comes from God”. – 1 Corinthians 11:11-12

An Equality of Submission

By reading the full context, we begin to see that in Christian marriages this submission goes both ways.

We’re told by both Peter and Paul to “submit to one another”, that is, seeking peace with one another. There is ultimately described here an ‘equality’ of love amongst the family, not a directive for husbands to command their wives and children to obey their every order in the form of patriarchal dominance or bullying (Ephesians 5:21,29-30, 1 Corinthians 11:11-12).

Submission to Opposing Husbands

Though we see Christian couples are to respect one another as equals, we see Peter specifically goes into the context of the submission of wives under more trying circumstances, where he encourages wives to “do good”, even if living in a situation where the husband may not be a good person, just as we do superior authorities, be they good or bad, turning the other cheek where we can and remaining righteous and holy, as we express the teachings of Yeshua in both our words and conduct.

It’s important to take note of overall meaning of the passage in Peter’s letter where wives are encouraged to submit to their husbands like Sarah did Abraham, for it could be very easily misunderstood to mean that Peter is saying that wives should willingly accept and submit to the abuse of their husbands and remain quiet…

But this is not actually the case.

What we’re told, is that Christian women are Sarah’s children if “they do what is right, and refuse to give into fear”. This is a very interesting phrase, for we’re told some wives might “give into fear”, and that they should ‘not’ within the context of their marriage. This is the opposite of the idea rolling over and being a powerless wall flower who gives into to the abuse or pressure of a difficult or authorative husband.

But we what is it that they are being told not to be afraid of?

We should remember that this letter was sent to “scattered Jews” amongst the Gentile lands, who had to submit to governments and powers that did not serve or fear the God of Israel or recognise Yeshua as Lord. This context also applied to Jewish and Christian women whom were married to non-believing or Gentile men (1 Peter 3:1) in a similar manner to what Apostle Paul mentions at 1 Corinthians 7:16.

Since the entire context is in regard to “doing good”, remaining “faithful to God and Yeshua” and not “giving into sin” or vengence across all areas of life, be it if under the oppression of a pagan government, or an evil house master, the same logic would apply then when Peter is talking about submission to husbands. That a wife should have the “demeaner of Sarah”, in regards to her Christian faithfulness and behaviour, even if she might be dealing with a difficult or even faith-opposing husband, who might be trying to frighten his wife to abandon her faith. She is being encouraged to not give into fear or pressure of abandoning her faith, whilst also retaining respectful conduct to her husband in the proccess.

Paul also addresses this topic in the same way, in his letter to Titus, when he tells all those in Crete to be moral in their behaviour, for wives to submit to husbands, and slaves to masters, in order that the reputation of Christians and God not be slandered.

This teaching echoes Yeshua’s sermon on the mount, where he instructed us not to pay “evil for evil”, but to be peaceful with all people, avoiding conflict by all means, to “do good” to one another (Luke 6:27-29). Through this, we show ourselves to be “children of our Heavenly Father”, and attest to His glory.

Hence the submission was not about bowing down to abuse or dictatorship, but rather, “being peacable”, even in the face of opposition to one’s faith in the Lord, whilst at the same time not being coerced or dominated by one’s partner to give up their faith.

A Head’s True Responsibility

Of course, whilst the overall context of the scriptures teach an equality of love and respect between man and wife, this is not to say that husbands do not have a “headship responsibility”. It is made clear that in Christian households, wives are to “submit to husbands, as to the Lord” (1 Corinthians 11:3, Ephesians 5:22-23).

However, the headship of a husband is to be understood through Yeshua, in the manner that he is the head of us all on behalf of God the Father, it is ‘spiritual’ in nature.

We should note that Paul contrasts the husband’s headship with the Lord’s, being the “head of the congregation”. So in this respect, a husband is to be the one taking the lead in teaching and encouraging his family in the ways of Yeshua, just as the Overseers and Servants take the lead in teaching and shepherding the congregations.

Both of which, do their best to imitate how the Lord tenderly treats his flock. We should never overlook that Yeshua even took the time to wash the feet of his followers, which was the role of a servant. And he made it clear this is how all of us should act, which in addition, includes sharing our glory with one another, and even being willing to die for one another, as Yeshua also died for us:

• “Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel that was wrapped around him. He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, do you wash my feet?” Yeshua answered him, ‘What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand’. Peter said to him, ‘You shall never wash my feet’. Yeshua answered him, ‘If I do not wash you, you have no share with me‘…. When he had washed their feet and put on his outer garments and resumed his place, he said to them, ‘Do you understand what I have done to you? You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you. Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them.” – John 13:5-8, 12-17

A mature shepherd, not only instructs or encourages in what way he can to his or her ability, but is also humble, listening to the concerns, advice and input of others. In this case, the husband and father, though is the one mainly responsible for guiding his family, is not only to tell or instruct, but also is to listen and consider the words in turn of his family members.

• “My beloved brothers, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger”. – James 1:19

Likewise with children, parents are to “discipline them”, by means of raising them to live in righteousness, instructing them in good and bad. In this, children are told to honour and obey their parents. But again, this does not give a parent authority to unjustly order them about in a cruel dictatorial manner, nor does it permit them to abuse their children, for the scriptures command, “not to irritate your children”.

A husband, like a congregational Elder, is to be a living example, not a dictator, for we have one leader and master, and that is Yeshua the Anointed (Matthew 23:10).

Yeshua himself set the example when on Earth of what a shepherd was, and upon what authority he acts. In this he said:

• “I have not spoken on my own, but the Father who sent me has commanded me what to say and how to say it“. – John 12:49
• “So Yeshua replied, “Truly, truly, I tell you, the Son can do nothing by himself, unless he sees the Father doing it. For whatever the Father does, the Son also does”. – John 5:19
• “Yeshua answered, “If I glorify myself, my glory is nothing. It is my Father who glorifies me, of whom you say, ‘He is our God'”. – John 8:54

Yeshua never gave orders of his own initiative, but he could only pass on what his Father had told him. Likewise, husbands as family heads, are not to have their “own initiative”, but are to only express the words of Yeshua (1 Corinthians 11:3), not demanding worship or undue respect for themselves, but rather, acting as agents of the Lord within their own households, with their family members as their “ministry”.

In other words, a man’s family is his “church”, and he is its “pastor”.

The husband, therefore, does not give out orders to his wife or children like a dictator, i.e; “do as I say when I say it, obey me for I am your head”, for that is glorifying the “self”.

Rather, the husband gives glory to the Son, who “likewise” in turn, gives glory to the Father, speaking “his words” and not one’s own. Thus, the head of the household, is an agent, a messenger of Yeshua to his own family, a living example of imitation, but recognises that he is not a judge, king, lord, or master, for we all have “one lord, one master” and “one judge” (Matthew 23:10, John 5:22).

Therefore, he must remember that he does not have the right to punish his wife or children if they choose to disobey the commands of God and Yeshua, but he can only humbly warn them of future judgement. If they do not listen, a husband cannot coerce or otherwise force or dominate his wife and children to conform.

Suffering Abuse

In an event that a husband is physically, sexually or emotionally abusive or unloving to the point where it is severely impacting his wife’s or children’s wellbeing, this clearly would not be Christian conduct, and a wife and children are not said to be scripturally required to submit to abuse or totalitarianism, for the husband has no scriptural sanction or authority to do such things, just as it is with any other area in a Christian’s life.

Thus, though wives and children are to have respect of family headship, they are not bound to suffer abuse, be that sexual, physical, emotional or otherwise.

When abused, whilst we should aim to be peaceable, it would not be wrong to take one’s leave of the situation. Wives and children are not required to accept a husband’s or parent’s abuse, but only are they required to be “submissive” in their spirit and demeanour.

We in fact see examples throughout scripture, where both Christians and other figures in the Bible under submission, had permission to take leave to avoid their abusers:

• “To start a quarrel is to release a flood; so abandon the dispute before it breaks out”. – Proverbs 17:14
• “[King] Saul tried to pin him to the wall with his spear. But the spear struck the wall and David eluded him, ran away, and escaped that night“. – 1 Samuel 19:10
• “Do not return a slave to his master if he has taken refuge with you. Let him live among you wherever he chooses, in the town of his pleasing. Do not oppress him“. – Deuteronomy 23:15–16
• “To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord)… if she does [separate from her husband], she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband, and the husband should not divorce his wife”. – 1 Corinthians 7:10-11

As we can see, throughout scripture, victims of abuse have always had the right to take their leave and not put up with it, even if they were owned as slaves, or in submission under kings who Yah Himself appointed! 

In the same way, wives are permitted to leave their husbands in such circumstances, though they’d not be permitted to divorce and re-marry, lest adultery was comitted (1 Corinthians 7:10-11).

Conclusion

To conclude with a short recap. Husbands, wives and children, are encouraged in scripture to have mutual respect and love for one another. Family heads do well to remember, that they will be judged for their actions and how they treat others, especially so of their families (1 Timothy 5:8, 1 Peter 3:7).

Husbands, as the spiritual family heads, are not leaders or domineers, but are to be loving shepherds of the faith, just as congregation Elders are to be. They do not have the right to command, bully or coerce their family members into doing whatever they want, but are to be living examples of imitation of righteous conduct, just as Yeshua himself was.

In the event of abuse, victims have a right to abandon or run away from their abusers, but do their best to be humble in these situations and not paying back “eye for eye”, in order to present themselves as peaceful ambassadors for Yeshua, and to be the example of a peacemaker, of whom God looks upon with approval.

A healthy Christian family, is to reflect the congregational flock of Yeshua. Which has mutual respect, love, understanding, moral standard, and above all, submission to the Lord, and to our God.